Born To Lie
- nina fides g.
- Jun 12, 2020
- 5 min read
Updated: Jun 17, 2020
Is lying really bad and honesty the best policy?
A critical take on this podcast: • https://www.cbc.ca/radio/ideas/born-to-lie-1.3400603
img source: pixabay.com
At a young age, we were taught that lying is bad and that being truthful is good. We learn this when we have a fortunate childhood through parents who try to set good examples and who let us enjoy movies Disney movies like Pinocchio. As we grow older and go through experiences we realize that the truth is often more complicated. Oscar Wilde once quoted, “the truth is rarely pure and never simple.” People disagree with each other on what they know to be true. This is because of belief systems or what they know based on personal experiences or perspectives.
The podcast presents different takes on truth and lying. Adults are especially aware that there is a whole spectrum ranging from what we know to be total dishonesty to pure truth. On the far end, there is “Radical Honesty” which is a movement on not filtering what a person thinks and feels. On the middle spectrum sits “white lies,” which are pro-social lies and “blue lies,” which are lies backed by morality. Underneath that spectrum and hidden from display, there is a thing called “self-deception.” This is based on Freud's research about not fully knowing ourselves because we do not have access to our subconscious minds. With all these factors to consider, is what is being honest? And is lying really bad?
We are introduced to the concept of “Radical Honesty” founded by Brad Blanton, a psychotherapist. This concept has been gaining a lot of popularity. There is a book called “Radical Candor” that reached recognition recently among the workplace with positive reviews. It encourages people to speak up in the corporate world where most people walk on eggshells. This book also targets bosses who are careful to keep things strictly professional to the point that they lose human connection.
A former graphic designer named Laura Turley is an advocate for this concept. In the podcast, she shares that speaking up honestly feels liberating. She came from a place of being a people pleaser. This has built a lot of resentment for her, so she went to the other extreme.
Radical Honesty can be tempting and refreshing at times. It can be also good when it matters. This is especially applicable during difficult conversations with people you trust. Although being blunt can be dangerous when you are trying to be diplomatic or trying to make a good impression. Laura shares it can be like a grenade to close relationships. Most times judgment has to be used when applying this. A helpful question would be, would you rather be right and say what you honestly think or be an understanding sister?
Being radically honest also can be dangerous because we don’t exactly know what is going on in our minds. We all have a wide range of thoughts that can sometimes lean towards awkward, gross, hurtful, or even disturbing. It is delusional and naive to think that being radically honest would lead to collective acceptance where people would embrace each other naked, like Laura wishes it would be.
From a black and white perspective lying is considered wrong, but this is a very simplistic view. Dr. Kang Lee, a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto notes that lying is part of the human developmental process. He explains that there are two milestones when a child learns to lie during the toddler years. First, there is the “Theory of Mind.” This is when a child understands what a person intends to communicate is different from what they actually mean. Second, there is “Executive Functioning.” This is when a child can plan on what to do next. When the child is discovered lying, it can be a moment to teach the difference between a truth and a lie. A sensible adult can explain the latter's negative consequences.
Dr. Kang Lee also explains that there are socially acceptable and reasonable lies. These are what he calls “white and blue lies” which helps the collective. White lies mostly come from good intentions such as saying thank you for that ugly recycled picture frame gift. The other type is called blue lies, which could help protect someone like hiding a friend from an abusive husband.
Dr. Lee argues that the main reason we tell the truth is because it is more economical for our brains. When we tell the truth we don’t have to make things up and follow the sequences which can be taxing to our cognitive function. While He has a point, sometimes telling the truth is harder, especially when a lot is at stake.
Dishonesty or lying can also come in the form of “Self-Deception.” David Livingstone Smith, a professor of philosophy from the University of New England, presents the case that we rarely know our full selves. How can we operate truthfully when we are rarely transparent with ourselves? We have competing ideas and the world presents itself differently to each of us. What humans know to be true is partly based on a mix of beliefs, culture, and behaviors. Professor Smith also shares that memories can be edited. This is similar to the case of how we present ourselves on social media. In the book, “Everybody Lies: Big Data, New Data, and What the Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really Are,” author Seth Stephens-Davidowitz reveals that we brag about how amazing our lives are on Facebook when in fact people are more irritated and less satisfied with their lives. This comes from the perspective of wanting to present our best selves and wanting it to be the case. If we do not do this, the price we pay is alienation or a negative image in society. We have to do this carefully, not to stretch it too much. Smith says that to be wholly honest, we have to acknowledge that we also lie to ourselves.
Professor Smith says that being radically honest sounds disastrous. He also says that there are instances when saying what is on your mind is wrong. This makes me recall a movie called "Liar Liar," starring Jim Carrey. It’s about lawyer cursed with no filter that he just blurts out whatever he thinks. Professor Smith shares that not saying what is on your mind is not the same as lying. There is a time and place for everything. He also mentions that there is no one simple truth. The whole idea of honesty is more difficult and complicated. But, in the case of professions such as news anchors, journalists, doctors, or lawyers, there has to be an objective truth.
Being truthful is a good practice in most cases, but it also has to be crafted in a way that is appropriate according to the situation. This can be how a person interacts differently with their close relationships, co-workers, or acquaintances. Lying versus telling the truth comes down to what a person communicates and does. The way a person speaks and acts has to come from reason, understanding, and proper judgment. Tools such as a moral compass and social awareness can help differentiate what is wrong and right in communicating. It is using critical thinking for knowing when to speak, when to be silent, and how to speak properly. It also has to come from good intentions in a way that you are not harming yourself and others through too much deception.
